Farscape
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Pilot; "I don't get out much, so I read."
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Scorpius; "Why is it always the gentle ones who pay for everybody else's ambitions?"
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John Crichton; "Oh please, let it all be a dream. A very bad, very twisted dream."
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Aeryn Sun; "If you want to live, choose your allegiances carefully."
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Ka D'Argo; "This plan is so bad, it HAS to be ours!"
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Zhaan; "We all visit the precipice. Each of us must find our own way down."
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Chiana; "See? Violence. You'll get the hang of it."
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Rygel; "I'm nobody's puppet!"
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Sikozu; "I am not like... normal Kalish."
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Einstein; "No one should have that power." [wormhole weapon technology]
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Noranti; "Oh, I do admire your compartmentalization of duplicity."
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Harvey; "Scorpius is like God. He does not play dice with the universe."
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- John Crichton :
- Oh please, let it all be a dream. A very bad, very twisted dream.
- Rygel :
- I am Rygel XVI, Dominar to over 600 billion people. I don't need to talk to you.
- Zhaan :
- We all visit the precipice. Each of us must find our own way down.
- Scorpius :
- Why is it always the gentle ones who pay for everybody else's ambitions?
- Stark :
- I have no prayer for that.
- Chiana :
- I...went...SHOPPING!
- Pilot :
- I don't get out much, so I read
- Jool :
- [to Chiana] You monochromatic little bitch.
- Zhaan :
- He says he is experiencing the future.
- Aeryn Sun :
- The future? He can barely function in the present.
- Zhaan :
- There is much cruelty in the universe.
- John Crichton :
- Yeah, we seem to have a treasure map to it.
- John Crichton :
- You used me.
- Scorpius :
- We use each other.
- John Crichton :
- You're better at it.
- Scorpius :
- Oh, but you're learning.
- John Crichton :
- She scares the crap outta me.
- Aeryn Sun :
- It's the hat.
- Noranti :
- You can shout at me later.
- Rygel :
- I'll be dead later.
- Rygel :
- Don't hold your breath. This isn't even one you could get odds in.
- Chiana :
- How hard's it gonna be for everyone to leave each other alone?
- Stark :
- Impossible, I'd say.
- John Crichton :
- Okay, welcome to the butt-hole of the universe.
- Scorpius :
- I do NOT lose!
- John Crichton :
- Be happy to give you lessons.
- Rygel :
- I never run away. I... strategically maneuver.
- John Crichton :
- I'm sick of this whole turd-burp end of the universe.
- John Crichton :
- Have we sent the "Don't shoot, we're pathetic" transmission yet?
- John Crichton :
- How much time did Zhaan say we'd have after we ignite the lutre oil?
- Ka D'Argo :
- She was vague to the point where I thought she didn't have a clue.
- John Crichton :
- Excellent
- Pilot :
- So sorry. I appear to have hit the wrong comm.
- John Crichton :
- Sometimes things don't happen quite the way you imagine them.
- Ahkna :
- [about John Crichton] He's crazy!
- Aeryn Sun :
- Isn't it fun?
- John Crichton :
- Damn, Smokey. You can't argue with a woman.
- Aeryn Sun :
- She gives me a woody.
- [no one says anything]
- Aeryn Sun :
- Woody. It's a human saying. I've heard you say it often. When you don't trust someone or they make you nervous, they give you...
- John Crichton :
- Willies. She gives you the willies.
- Aeryn Sun :
- Can you pass me that axe?
- John Crichton :
- Yeah. What are you going to do with it?
- Aeryn Sun :
- I'm going to hack my foot off.
- John Crichton :
- Again?
- Ka D'Argo :
- Yeah.
- John Crichton :
- One, two, three.
- Ka D'Argo :
- [Laughs] Again, I win.
- John Crichton :
- No, I win. Paper wraps rock.
- Ka D'Argo :
- No! paper cannot possibly beat rock.
- John Crichton :
- It does. Paper beats rock.
- Ka D'Argo :
- Rock rips through paper.
- John Crichton :
- D'Argo, that's not how it works. Paper beats rock.
- Ka D'Argo :
- That's unrealistic.
- John Crichton :
- Well, it's the rules. And it's not supposed to be realistic, it's supposed to be entertaining.
- Ka D'Argo :
- My coma was more entertaining.
- John Crichton :
- Aeryn, if Scorpius gets me...
- Aeryn Sun :
- I know, shoot you.
- John Crichton :
- No. No, no. Shoot him.
- Aeryn Sun :
- This is a bad combination: Zhaan distracted, Crichton confused.
- Ka D'Argo :
- Crichton is always confused.
- Bialar Crais :
- You have no idea where we're going. We could be going around in circles.
- John Crichton :
- We're not going in circles, nimrod, 'cause we've never been here before. We're completely lost.
- Aeryn Sun :
- No offense, human, but what can I possibly need from you?
- John Crichton :
- I dunno... manners, personality... Stock tips.
- Stark :
- You want revenge.
- John Crichton :
- No, I don't. I want to kill him. That's justice.
- Ka D'Argo :
- Have you ever heard of anything like this happening before?
- John Crichton :
- I haven't heard of anything like anything before. My planet doesn't even go to the moon anymore.
- Ka D'Argo :
- One... two... fire.
- John Crichton :
- Hey, what happened to three?
- John Crichton :
- I must be smarter than I look.
- Aeryn Sun :
- That would be easy.
- Rygel :
- Look, I... I know I can be selfish, but given a chance I can usually...
- John Crichton :
- Do what? Do the right thing?
- Rygel :
- Yes.
- John Crichton :
- Rygel, I figure the right thing starts at the beginning of the day, not after you've been caught.
- Scorpius :
- There are vast areas of your brain that are filled with nothing but... gibberish.
- John Crichton :
- That would be high school.
- John Crichton :
- Well how do I know that I can trust you?
- Aeryn Sun :
- You don't. That's just another thing you don't know.
- John Crichton :
- Ah, screw it. But I am not Kirk, Spock, Luke, Buck, Flash or Arthur frelling Dent. I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas.
- Aeryn Sun :
- What is wrong with him?
- Zhaan :
- He is Crichton.
- Ka D'Argo :
- Why do our plans never work?
- John Crichton :
- Murphy's Law.
- [Chiana hits Jool, who hits her back]
- Chiana :
- See? Violence. You'll get the hang of it.
- [feeling an injured Moya's agony, Pilot has just projectile-vomited greem slime all over Stark]
- Ka D'Argo :
- Sorry, I didn't know he could do that!
- Stark :
- I didn't know anyone could do that!
- John Crichton :
- Boy, was Spielberg ever wrong. Close Encounters my ass.
- Ka D'Argo :
- We will cut off the tip of our small finger for identification.
- John Crichton :
- How about something a little less permanent?
- Pilot :
- Crichton has a plan.
- Zhaan :
- Did you say Crichton? [curses in Delvian]
- Ka D'Argo :
- This ship is legendary, even in my culture. It was thought invincible.
- John Crichton :
- Well just ask Leonardo DiCaprio. Even the big ones go down.
- Gilina :
- I can't believe you're not Sebacean.
- John Crichton :
- Human. It's kinda like Sebacean, but we haven't conquered other worlds yet, so we just kick the crap out of each other.
- Gilina :
- Thank you for stopping her from killing me today.
- John Crichton :
- Well, you know, I try to save a life a day. Usually it's my own...
- John Crichton :
- Best idea I've had yet.
- Aeryn Sun :
- That's far from a recommendation.
- Rygel :
- Are you fully clothed?
- Zhaan :
- I'm not wearing a scrap. I'm as nude as a newborn baby.
- Rygel :
- Then go away. And don't insult my eyes with your naked blue extremities.
- Zhaan :
- Which ones in particular don't you like? Show them to me.
- Rygel :
- No thank you. Help, help! A mad Delvian exhibitionist is forcing herself on me… visually!
- Zhaan :
- What we need to do is isolate the most highly developed organisms.
- Aeryn Sun :
- That rules out the three we're looking for.
- Sikozu :
- Do you have any plan of escape?
- Aeryn Sun :
- Run.
- Sikozu :
- Anything more detailed, Aeryn?
- Aeryn Sun :
- Run quickly.
- John Crichton :
- Lately, do I seem a little crazy to you?
- Aeryn Sun :
- What do you mean, ‘lately’?
- Stark :
- Crichton, whenever we cross paths, I leave the encounter transformed. And no more so than on this occasion. Thanks to you, I have found my own internal peace. Remember me, John. Till we meet again.
- Scorpius :
- Don't need a translator microbe for that one, do we?
- Sikozu :
- Not with these *frelling* cuffs on I can't.
- Sikozu :
- Do not presume to moralise with your narrow perspectives.
- Sikozu :
- What currency do you have in *your* pockets.
- Sikozu :
- They would stone you to death if I turned you in.
- Sikozu :
- Weak species.
- Sikozu :
- I am not like... normal Kalish
- Sikozu :
- What guarantee do I have that you will watch my back?
- Sikozu :
- Don't you people know your own ship?
- Sikozu :
- Curiosity merits reward.
- Sikozu :
- I am going to get my life back.
- Sikozu :
- You defy the whole theory of natural selection.
- Chiana :
- You can't tell when I'm lying.
- Sikozu :
- Yes we can. We all can.
- Chiana :
- How?
- Sikozu :
- You open your mouth and words come out of it.
- Sikozu :
- John it may come as a surprise to you but the Scarrans didn't become a major inter-galactic power by advertising the location of their top secret installations!
- Ka D'Argo :
- This plan is so bad, it HAS to be ours!
- Ka D'Argo :
- John, I'm going to tell you something I've never actually put into words before... I love shooting things. You know what? I'm very good at it.
- Rygel :
- It's a backward planet full of superstitious, xenophobic morons. Nothing makes sense if they didn't think of it first and, even then, it's simplistic drivel.
- John Crichton :
- A monumental black hole. A swirling headstone marking the spot where we used to live and play and slaughter the innocent.
- John Crichton :
- Hey, D'Argo, how come I'm not afraid?
- Ka D'Argo :
- Fear accompanies the possibility of death. Calm shepherds it's certainty.
- John Crichton :
- I love hangin' with you, man.
- Aeryn Sun :
- Shooting makes me feel better.
- Pilot :
- Dreams are not guaranteed Commander, the grace of age is we learn to accept.
- John Crichton :
- Great. Abso-fudge-a-lutely great.
- Aeryn Sun :
- It amazes me how people mistake theosophy for superiority.
- John Crichton :
- have we met (points gun at Commandant Mele-On Grayza)
- Mele-on Grayza :
- Grayza: (to Scorpius) You shouldn't have made me into an enemy, (to John) and you shouldn't have pointed a weapon at me.
- John Crichton :
- Damn I gotta stop pointing guns at people.
- Chiana :
- Our parasite problems are solved.
- Aeryn Sun :
- Rygel's decided to leave us then, has he?
- Aeryn Sun :
- If you want to live, choose your allegiances carefully.
- Ka D'Argo :
- I don't know who you are, where you're from, or what you want, but if you threaten my freedom, I'll kill you.
- John Crichton :
- Find a penny, pick it up. Double it. You've got two pennies. Double it again. Four. Double it 27 times and you've got a million dollars and the IRS all over your ass.
- Einstein :
- No one should have that power.
- John Crichton :
- Wormholes, no! Weapons no! Killing no! Crichton, no.
- Harvey :
- Scorpius is like God. He does not play dice with the universe.
- John Crichton :
- Boom bada-bing, squiggly line, squiggly line. Crystalized. And it's two months later.
- John Crichton :
- We're catching the 7:15 to enlightenment. It's just a little late.
- John Crichton :
- I don't wanna be like other people. I don't wanna be like you. I don't wanna stoop that low. Kirk wouldn't stoop that low.
- John Crichton :
- along came a spider... exploded beside her.
- Scorpius :
- Sikozu has managed to summon the Rabrokator.
- John Crichton :
- What the hell is that, some kind of massage tool?
- Noranti :
- Oh, I do admire your compartmentalization of duplicity.
- John Crichton :
- Hey! Do you know how to drive this Wonkavator?
- Ka D'Argo :
- Do you...? then why even ask?
- Pilot :
- Unfortunately, nobody is available to assist you at the moment.
- John Crichton :
- Well, what are they doing, watching Jeopardy Get them off their butts. Let me talk to Captain James T. D'Argo.
- Pilot :
- Ka D'Argo is currently... helping Rygel with his... laundry, and Aeryn's writing some... poetry.
- John Crichton :
- Uh huh, what about, ah, Chiana and Sikozu?
- Pilot :
- Enjoying each other's company. Preparing a meal for... everyone but Rygel. He's... not hungry.
- John Crichton :
- You want to see it? The thing you've been chasing my ass all over the universe for. Torturing me, my wife, my friends.
- Scorpius :
- Yes.
- John Crichton :
- Say please.
- Scorpius :
- Please.
- John Crichton :
- Pretty please.
- Scorpius :
- Pretty please.
- John Crichton :
- With a cherry on top.
- Scorpius :
- With a cherry on top.
- John Crichton :
- Happy birthday. Now get out of my sight.
- Scorpius :
- I've never felt so... connected, John.
- John Crichton :
- You're not getting all mushy on me back there.
- Ka D'Argo :
- The time has come for farewells, my friend.
- John Crichton :
- Oh, this is not happening. Just feel free to wake me up any time, D'Argo.
- Ka D'Argo :
- Well, now I can only speak truth. And that comes as good and bad news.
- John Crichton :
- All right, give me the bad news first.
- Ka D'Argo :
- The bad news is that you're married, and you must endure as a statue for eighty cycles in a strange world.
- John Crichton :
- What's the good news?
- Ka D'Argo :
- Chiana and I are having fantastic sex.
- Mele-On Grayza :
- My interrogation methods are much more agreeable
- John Crichton :
- (to D'Argo) You'd argue with a lamp-post!
- Ka D'Argo :
- I’ve seen lots of your movies, and in every film, the aliens are always evil and Earth always is victorious.
- Bobby Crichton :
- You mean we have to learn that there are good aliens?
- Ka D'Argo :
- No. I mean you have to learn you won’t always win.
- John Crichton :
- On my planet we don't marry people we don't love unless they're critically ill billionaires.
- Rygel :
- What friends? We were thrown together against our will and we're all just trying to make the best of it until we can get the chance to screw the others to get what we want.
- John Crichton :
- Don't move! Or I'll fill you full of... little yellow bolts of light!
- Rygel :
- I'm nobody's puppet!
- Aeryn Sun :
- [speaking to Rygel] Nobody knows you here. It’s only people who know you who want to kill you.
- Aeryn Sun :
- Thank God It’s Friday Again.
- Rygel :
- Of course it’s a foe. We have no friends.
- Zhaan :
- Pilot, does Moya know where we are?
- Pilot :
- Yes, of course. We're... someplace else. I'll get back to you on the specifics.
- Zhaan :
- My dear, I've kicked more ass than you've sat on.
- Rygel :
- Sorry I had to shoot you, but you know how it goes.
- Chiana :
- Give us a hand here, Princess.
- Jool :
- I can't believe Talyn blew up Moya.
- Chiana :
- I'm sure it was an accident - bet he was really aiming for you.
- Bialar Crais :
- [to Scorpius] The last time I left this ship... MY ship... I did so under a veil of secrecy. You forced that situation. You took away my command. You stole my life from me. Well, this time, Scorpius, I am not leaving quietly.
- Mele-On Grayza :
- So Crichton does hold the key to mastering wormholes. If he shares that with Earth, his people could become a real threat.
- Meeklo Braca :
- At this stage, your command carrier could neutralize this threat.
- Mele-On Grayza :
- If I knew where Earth was. The local star observations you obtained still haven't enabled us to fix its location.
- Meeklo Braca :
- The danger does not appear to be eminent. Human Scientists have trouble grasping basic Peacekeeper technology.
- Mele-On Grayza :
- I made the mistake of underestimating Crichton. I can't make the same mistake with a planet full of Crichtons.
- Chiana :
- Hey, Princess -
- Jool :
- We're gonna die, aren't we?
- Chiana :
- Eventually. You got the mivonks to push the date back?
- Jool :
- You know, we don't have weapons on our planet. We don't have violence. We don't have war!
- [Chiana smacks her]
- Jool :
- What the frell?! [She smacks Chiana back]
- Chiana :
- See? Violence. You'll get the hang of it.
- Stark :
- Dead! All of us, dead! My love, dead! My dreams, dead! You dead! Me dead. You dead, me dead, you dead, me dead, you dead, me dead! Your list is short, and unworthy of entree to this ship of horror, tortured by demons you can never know, mocked by love that will never be! Oh, you want to cry, young creature? I will show you something that will make you cry, forever.
- Jack Crichton :
- Every man gets the chance to be his own kind of hero.
- Jack Crichton :
- Many of us hoped that Earth might be our welcoming place. If all people were like you maybe it could be. But they're not. In your memory we saw millions of Wilsons and Cobbs.
- Stark :
- Fear is good... keep that. But travel light. Forget hate.
- Stark :
- You...you're green.
- Noranti :
- [smiles benevolently] How lovely of you to notice!
- John Crichton :
- I got a hum in my head; I'm going to follow it.
- Chiana :
- Well you got something in there. It's not a brain.
- Mele-On Grayza :
- I always assumed John Crichton was just an outlaw. An excuse for Scorpius' mistakes. But he destroyed a Command Carrier. The Scarrans desire him. Perhaps, somehow, I can use him. Perhaps Scorpius' enemy will be my friend.
- Jool :
- Joolushko Tunai Fenta Hoovalis.
- Rygel :
- What do they call you for short?
- Jool :
- My whole name.
- Meeklo Braca :
- [To Crais]: Not as salubrious as your previous accommodations. Still, considering the fact you should be in our brig, I suppose you can't complain. Don't bother searching for surveillance. You're not that important.
- Bialar Crais :
- Jool :
- Okay. Okay. I can do this. I can. I can do anything. That's what my father told me. That's what my mother told me... and I've never doubted them before.
- [Something creaks. Jool screams.]
- Jool :
- Well maybe once or twice.
- John Crichton :
- Somebody got a sugar high? You been stealing candy, Mr. Burrels?
- Rygel :
- Crichton! how illegal is this dren? You have to get me more! I don't care what it costs!
- Rygel :
- Trust me, I wouldn't have risen to Dominar if I wasn't good at recognizing things before they happen.
- Pilot :
- You were deposed in a coup led by your own cousin.
- John Crichton :
- Life sucks.
- John Crichton :
- I'm here, on a big stinkin' command carrier--Dick Tracy's freakin' neural bracelet linking me to Bram Stoker's nightmare. What more do you want from me?
- John Crichton :
- Is there some kind of stupid alien quotation book you guys use?
- John Crichton :
- Crais I want you to find the fattest target you can. Government house, missile site, McDonalds, whatever.
- Rygel :
- Repent? We have less than an arn. I was a Dominar. It'd take me longer than that to repent.
- Rygel :
- Ten percent of this plan is lunacy, fifty percent of these riches is not enough, one hundred percent of dead is dead.
- Rygel :
- You're worse than me, I like that.
- John Crichton :
- Maldis! C’mon you old bastard, show your ugly face. Haven’t you read the super villain’s handbook? This is where you’re supposed to twirl your mustache and gloat.
- Rygel :
- May your afterlife be almost as pleasant as mine.
- John Crichton :
- Listen, sunshine... You wanna be part of this crew?
- Chiana :
- On your good days!
- John Crichton :
- This is one of the good days. I thought you were junior Miss Tough-Chick-of-the-Universe?
- John Crichton :
- They have worlds out there, people that you wouldn’t believe. But they do not have chocolate.
- John Crichton :
- They spit fire? How come no one tells me this stuff? How come no one tells me they spit fire!? Aeryn!
- Aeryn Sun :
- Shooting makes me feel better!
- John Crichton :
- But things have changed. And we don't get to close our eyes and pretend they haven't. And everyone is telling me how different I am. They're right. But they don't have a clue why.
- Sikozu :
- What is wrong with you? These are your people! Or do you think they pose us a threat?
- John Crichton :
- No, it's the other way around.
- John Crichton :
- Earth. Terra Firma. It seems forever it's filled my thoughts, been my goal. And now, I'm here. Family, friends- seeing them all again is so... so normal. I figured Earth would freak out, and it's delivered- in spades, on time, 30 minutes or less.
- Rygel :
- By the yotz, run, fight, surrender! pick one!
- Ka D'Argo :
- Zhaan, let me explain to you what is going on inside my nose right now. Large pieces of green mucus, gunk...
- John Crichton :
- D'Argo, D'Argo, no no no. Stop it with the Luxan poetry.
- Chiana :
- You saw a creature? What kind of creature? The kind we eat? Or the kind that eats us?
- John Crichton :
- Bill Gates can't guarantee Windows. How can you guarantee my safety?
- Sikozu :
- Sarcasm, the hallmark of the subeducated.
- Chiana :
- Distress call. Directed at us?
- John Crichton :
- [laughing] How stupid is that?
- Pilot :
- I'm only judging on my experience with you, but I've never seen such a deficient species.
- John Crichton :
- All right, we don't understand the R2-D2 crap. We're gonna use the Star Trek system. One blink for yes, two blinks for no.
- John Crichton :
- The sound is doing something to my eye. Feels like it's melting my brain. It couldn't actually be doing something to my brain, could it?
- Rygel :
- Ladies, some decorum please. This is a peace memorial, let's not kill each other.
- Jool :
- Shoot him, you're the warrior, just shoot him now!
- Ka D'Argo :
- With what? My nose?
- Scorpius :
- This is insane, Crichton.
- John Crichton :
- Four years on and your finally gettin' that?
- Aeryn Sun :
- This is what you want!
- John Crichton :
- No, Aeryn it is not what I want! It's just that fate keeps blocking all the exits! And no matter what I do I just keep circling closer to the flame!
- Aeryn Sun :
- Then pull back. This war is not your responsibility.
- John Crichton :
- You and the baby are my responsibility. And how am I supposed to protect you from the Peacekeepers and the Scarrans and the Tragans and the lions, tigers and bears? With this? Winona? This gun? No gun is big enough.
- Aeryn Sun :
- We still have Stark and the Eidelons.
- John Crichton :
- It's not enough [gesturing to his notebook] This is enough. Wormholes. What's inside my head. This is ugly and it is malignant. But it will protect you and the baby.
- Aeryn Sun :
- Ah, but you see. You don't just protect me, we protect each other.
- Aeryn Sun :
- D'Argo, we'll protect neural cluster. Chiana, Sikozu, you go find Pikal and Katar and keep them safe.
- Stark :
- What? What about me?
- Aeryn Sun :
- How best can you help?
- Stark :
- I can stay out of your way.
- Aeryn Sun :
- Excellent.
- John Crichton :
- [trying to hand a weapon to Stark] Feel like killing someone?
- Stark :
- [growls]
- John Crichton :
- Okay, maybe not.
- Zhaan :
- Although... I have always wondered what goes on in there.
- John Crichton :
- Not a lot. I'm a guy.
- Scorpius :
- How did you survive this far?
- John Crichton :
- Charm... Good looks... A winning attitude.
- John Crichton :
- Anything strange happen to you guys?
- Ka D'Argo :
- I live on this ship. Something strange always happens.
- Ka D'Argo :
- At least he's out of your nose.
- John Crichton :
- Hair.
- Ka D'Argo :
- Yeah, that's what I meant. At least he's out of your nose hair.
- Pilot :
- But do you trust him?
- John Crichton :
- Hell no I don't trust him. Do I look stupid to you?
- Pilot :
- [gives Crichton a look]
- John Crichton :
- Oh please, don't answer that question!
- Rygel :
- Perfect. The half-blind leading the blind.
- Stark :
- Damaged, damaged, damaged! There is nothing that is not damaged.
- Bialar Crais :
- Least of all, you.